00:00:00:00 - 00:00:29:04
Speaker 1
Hi everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Tinas Arena. Today is my birthday. I'm turning the big three. 535. Not sad about it in any way that I'm getting older. I think that it is a privilege to get older at this point. I used to really struggle with the meaning of life and, where I was at in my life.

00:00:29:04 - 00:01:03:23
Speaker 1
But I think I'm slowly, slowly, slowly starting to really love myself and embrace myself and appreciate the journey for what it is. And I can't blame anything on anyone except for myself. So one of the things that I've really been resonating with lately is the idea that it might not be my fault, but it is my problem so that I have full accountability of where I am and who I am.

00:01:04:01 - 00:01:26:10
Speaker 1
And if I want to move forward and grow as a person, then I need to take radical responsibility of where I am. That yes, I may have had certain circumstances growing up that made it difficult for me to thrive with my personality or even just my personality myself. Maybe that's not my fault, but it is something that I have to deal with.

00:01:26:10 - 00:01:41:11
Speaker 1
I can't just continue going through about life, blaming other people for my stories or my lack of success or whatever it is that I'm blaming on other people.

00:01:41:11 - 00:01:45:13
Speaker 1
So it's not your fault, but it certainly is your problem.

00:01:45:13 - 00:02:09:02
Speaker 1
That goes back to one of the stories that I was talking about a couple of episodes ago, where I was holding on to this really deep story lately that I had a tough childhood. So I am the way I am, and that's why I'm struggling with something, because it's so tough. But at the same time, I don't want to be struggling with that for the rest of my life.

00:02:09:02 - 00:02:31:06
Speaker 1
Right? So I have to accept that while I might have had a tough childhood, it is something that I need to deal with and not just an excuse that I can keep falling back on for the rest of my life, because that's not something that I want to resonate with. It's something that I want to grow and move forward from and thrive in my life.

00:02:31:06 - 00:03:15:02
Speaker 1
I welcome these opportunities to get really uncomfortable because they are all opportunities for me to grow. So this past weekend, I was at a retreat with my mentor, Heather Chauvin, and the other mentors in her group. I'm a mentor in her group, and we came together and spent the weekend together, and it's really hard to describe to people what goes on at the retreat when they ask, because not that much is happening except for the conversations and the connection that's going on between me, my mentor, and the other mentors in the group.

00:03:15:04 - 00:03:27:02
Speaker 1
We are all talking about our stories, our personal struggles, and learning how to move on from them and move past from them.

00:03:27:02 - 00:03:40:13
Speaker 1
I had people challenge me on some of my stories, because I did mention my tough relationship with my mom and how that's been going. And someone asked me, well, what if you just forgave your mom?

00:03:40:15 - 00:04:25:19
Speaker 1
And my honest response was that, yeah, I think I already have, which is what has allowed me to move on and have a relationship with her now, and I'm living with her. So it's actually been really great for us to be living together again because we had such a tough relationship growing up. I never, ever thought that I would be able to sustain a relationship with my mother, but at this point, with my older age and her old age, I, wanting to have a relationship with her because I know that she's not going to be around forever.

00:04:25:19 - 00:04:33:10
Speaker 1
I know, and I understand that she does love me, and she did her best, and I. All I can do is be accepting of that.

00:04:33:10 - 00:04:55:15
Speaker 1
so I really do honestly think that I have forgiven her. And it's allowed us to grow and start to repair our relationship. Obviously, there's still turmoil here and there, but for the most part we've been pretty friendly and getting along and that has improved my quality of life dramatically.

00:04:55:15 - 00:05:08:11
Speaker 1
Now that I am able to have conversations with my mom and grow together and experience the rest of this life with her around

00:05:08:11 - 00:05:44:04
Speaker 1
One of the other things that I was reflecting on at the retreat this past weekend was how I really used to struggle with myself and my enoughness. I really struggled to be a coach online because I never thought that I had the appropriate skill or knowledge or training in order to start coaching other people. And so I really struggled putting myself out there because I truly did not believe that I was smart enough or good enough or just anything enough.

00:05:44:04 - 00:05:55:10
Speaker 1
I had really, really low self-esteem, and I was actually reading my journal entries from last year, and this was just last year where I truly felt that I was not enough at all.

00:05:55:10 - 00:06:07:20
Speaker 1
it was just like, I wish I was smarter, I wish I was more experienced, I wish I had a master's degree or something. Like there was so much that I felt that I was missing.

00:06:07:22 - 00:06:48:06
Speaker 1
And so this year I'm really reflecting on that, and I'm proud to say that I don't struggle with that feeling of lack anymore. I don't feel like I am lacking in my ability or skill anymore, which is really crazy for me to say. I think because I struggled with it for so long and it was so heavy. I'm also really proud of myself for having been able to overcome that and I don't even know how to describe the journey that it took to overcome that.

00:06:48:06 - 00:07:19:08
Speaker 1
But it was just constantly challenging myself. And also, I think a big part of it is that I've struggled with the lack of self-confidence and the lack of enoughness for so long that I just really got sick of it. I think that's what this all comes down to. Once you get sick of all of your own stories, all of your own bullshit, all of the things that you tell yourself that are holding yourself back, then you can start to move forward.

00:07:19:08 - 00:07:46:22
Speaker 1
Because then I'm finally able to be like, why? Why am I not enough? I've seen people are less qualified than me with less emotion and care than me coach others. And if these people are coaching others, then I am doing the world a disservice when I am not putting myself out there, because I know that I care more than some of these other people, and I know that I'm better than a lot of people now.

00:07:46:22 - 00:07:53:17
Speaker 1
So why am I not trying to put myself out there? And why am I not using my voice?

00:07:53:17 - 00:08:05:03
Speaker 1
there's a whole bunch of coaches online, but not everyone is going to resonate with everyone else. And so I just need to keep talking. I need to keep putting myself out there, and the people that will find me will find me.

00:08:05:07 - 00:08:36:01
Speaker 1
And if I am able to be of service to them, then that is amazing because that is all that I want to do in this world is to help others, and especially people that are struggling with their worth or their stories or their confidence around themselves, around food. Like all of the struggles that I had, I would really love to help people move on and forward from because I know how deep and dark and gross it can all get.

00:08:36:03 - 00:09:01:16
Speaker 1
So that's why I'm here, and that's why I'm sharing, and that's why I'm talking into the void. Because I really feel at this point in my life that I have a lot to share. And just like this, when I started off this episode, I didn't really know what I was going to talk about. But once I start talking and sharing and connecting with people, I think that's where the magic happens.

00:09:01:22 - 00:09:32:01
Speaker 1
And so I just put myself out here all of the time to connect with you and hope that by me sharing my story and my growth, that you feel and realize that you can do it too. Because I truly feel that if I can learn that I am enough, then anybody can learn that too. Because I really, really felt like I was not enough.

00:09:32:01 - 00:09:55:05
Speaker 1
And I really, really felt like there was no point to life. And it's only been within these last couple of years that I've really been able to turn that around. And actually, it might be coincidence, might not be coincidence. But for the past three years, I've been working with Heather Chauvin and been in her circle and been putting the work in.

00:09:55:05 - 00:10:22:08
Speaker 1
And I feel like I was always just circling this path that I wanted to go on, but never actually made any steps or progress towards it. But now that I have Heather in my corner and the rest of her beautiful community, I've actually been still making tiny baby steps. But I've actually been making incremental steps towards the vision that I have for myself in my life.

00:10:22:10 - 00:10:53:09
Speaker 1
And I'm really, really proud of that. I don't know if you can hear the emotion in my voice, but I got a little bit emotional. So yeah, it's actually insanely crazy that I started to say the words I'm proud of myself. Never, ever would I have said those words before. So that's it. I'm crying on the internet all the time.

00:10:53:11 - 00:11:22:08
Speaker 1
I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of where I've been and where I've come from. And I want to share this story with people so that you just understand that you can do it. Do. That's it. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to you, whenever that is. And, I will catch you on the other side. Bye.